Really God? I know I have some lumps and impurities to work out, but do you really need to KNEAD me this hard? My first reaction was to laugh. It was just absurd! ABSURD!!! "Works for the good of those who love Him.....HA! Yeah right!" Yes, I really did think that. Yes, I really did laugh at the absurdity of it. I had really believed those words from Romans 8:28 for the last year, while I prepared myself and my two young girls for my husband's deployment. We had read scripture, gone to counseling as a family, enlisted help and prayer from our church family, and planned out an entire year of activities while he would be away. I wasn't going to enjoy the year, but I was well prepared and I truly believed that it ultimately would "work for the good". So, it was just ABSURD that I was hearing the words "You have cancer", only one month after my husband left for the Middle East. "Okay Lord, what the heck are you thinking? How is this going to work for the good?" It was so so absurd, I laughed out loud.
My husband left for deployment on August 9, 2009. Sometime during the end of August, I noticed a lump at my sock line on my left leg. I brushed it off as still being fat after the birth of my second child (it was a year and half later, but it sounded good to me at the time). I always hated my thick ankles. I was never able to wear one of those delicate anklets that graced the legs of many women. So now I had more reason to hate my ankles, one was bigger then the other!!! A couple of weeks went by and the lump continued to grow steadily. While at a check up for my girls, I mentioned it to their Pediatrician. She sent me over to her husbands office (he was my Doctor). First I had an x ray, which didn't show anything abnormal. They decided to be diligent and send me for an ultrasound the next day. When the call came in with the results, I laughed. They were 99% sure that I had something called a "Soft Tissue Sarcoma". Cancer. Absurd. I had CANCER during my husbands deployment. ABSURD. Boy, did I want to jump off this stupid potter's wheel at that moment! I think I had just about enough of being shaped, molded and spun around. Thank you very much. Lord, you can stop the wheel now, I am ready to get off!!! Again, I say ABSURD!
The next few days were a blur. In hindsight, God was working for the Good. It was hard to see at first glance. In the next few posts, I will share all the blessings he poured out on me during one of the most difficult year of my life. We often hear people say that the God of the Bible no longer works miracles. I mean, really, when was the last time you saw a sea parting in two or a person being raised from the dead? Those "big" miracles don't seem to happen these days. However, I learned in my cancer journey that He is still the God of miracles, He does have His hands on every tiny detail of our lives, and His angels are ever present with us each day. I say that, not because I was cured of my cancer, but because I witnessed first hand His presence with me every single day throughout my battle.
So do you believe "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him"?? Before you answer quickly during a "blessing" time in your life, think to a time that seemed so far removed from any obvious blessing. Remember a time in your life that you may have lost a loved one, went through a divorce, or a horrific illness. Maybe you are are in one of those times right now. If you are, you probably are wishing you could get your hands on me, so you could pound the crap out of this piece of clay who is talking about "the good"!! It is okay. I would have wanted to pound me too, if I read this blog that day! Are you or were you able to see past the pounding, kneading, painful throws of your clay, to what could be a beautiful, purposeful clay jar? It is not easy to see what He is doing while you (the clay) are being molded by the Potter. Why? Because it hurts and it makes no sense to us. However the saying goes...
Only GOD can turn a MESS into a MESSage, a TEST into a TESTimony, a TRIal into a TRIumph, a VICTim into a VICTory. GOD is GOOD…
He can actually do that. It is not easy to see during the painful process of being molded, pulled, broken and thrown around on His wheel. However, if you look closely enough, you will see His fingerprints on the clay of your heart, especially during the hardest times of your life.
image from http://sadieyates.blogspot.com
Until next time....Lumpy out....
That is beautiful! I love your writing. I look forward to your next blog post with bated breath. I get so much out of the way you write and the messages you have to share! Very inspirational.
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